We head to Disney World together in two weeks. I'm excited but a little apprehensive for her to see the "not so great" parts of me that pop out when traveling... such as... my crankiness in the morning, arguing with Jeremy on the phone (we always gripe at each other when we are apart), and I'm sure the list goes on! Plus, I get homesick after a few days. I'm gonna miss the crazy circus of being home. :) But I'm so excited to be in one of the most wonderful places on Earth with a very special person... I can't wait!
"I had a happy childhood. I felt and knew the love of both my parents. Had a sister I was close to and we'd do anything for each other. My parents fought behind closed doors and though they never alluded to it I was about 12 when I realized they would probably one day get divorced - I just always figured it would be after both my sister and I had graduated high school. I was caught very unaware when my mother left just a couple of months before my 16th birthday.
Even through this turmoil at home I really was a happy, well-adjusted teen. I enjoyed school and my friends. I don't recall many people asking but I'm sure, at the time, I would have said that everything was fine.
I could tell you how my first long-time and serious boyfriend and I broke up on the same day that my mother walked out of our home. Nearly the same moment - as we were sitting in his car in the driveway when my parents were sitting on the porch and I saw my mom get up and simply leave. When I walked in the house I found my dad crying in the living room. Discussing my first big break-up was not even an option.
I could tell you how my parent's divorce tore me apart in ways that no one saw, no one knew. From the outside all looked fine and if you had simply asked I would have said so. But if you dug just a bit deeper then you would have known my heart was not intact and I was on the brink of shattering.
I could tell you how I felt ignored by the people in the church I grew up in. A church I attended since the age of 5. A church my sister & I began attending even before my parents. I don't recall anyone coming along side of me during or after the divorce.
None of that really matters though. Honestly, I did have a very good childhood and I loved my high school years. I really was happy. And I made my own choices. I became fiercely independent. As I began my senior year of high school I hadn't even thought of going to college. My plan was to get married and have babies right away. And that's what I was pushing Amanda's birth father into. He didn't even know it. I realize now I simply was not very nice to him. I pressed the sex issue. I don't know how he put up with me. We broke up.
I can say now that I was the main reason we could not make our relationship work. I was old enough to take responsibility for my own actions but young enough to not realize just how my parent’s divorce was affecting me. If you had asked me then I would have said I was fine. In reality, I was trying to force the people around me to be something ideal in my mind. A short time later I discovered I was pregnant. We did try to get back together but at that point God was already pulling me back to Him.
Back to the point, I'm a believer - since the age of 10 - have always been very secure in that - never doubted. What I didn't realize was that God's love for me surpassed any other love I'd ever know. And He'd do whatever it takes to make me realize it. And when I was tempted to look for the wrong kind of love I fell short and I didn't turn to God as I should have.
Why all this in Amanda's Blog when I'm supposed to be talking about her adoption story? Because it is part of the story. She wasn't an accident - she was and is God's plan. I wasn't just some girl sleeping around. Actually, I was rarely in trouble at school or home. I'd like to say that I lived the straight & narrow after that but I'd be lying. But I'm very glad that I followed that particular path that He led me to. I'm very glad that I chose to give her life & a family. And I'm very glad that Sam & Betty Young are her parents as they are beyond my wildest expectations – their willingness to share her astounds me. And I’m very glad for the generations that will come because she was born.
There was once a time when I could only imagine knowing her. And there was a time when I convinced myself I'd be just fine now that I had met her and know what a wonderful life she’s had and if she chose to end our relationship now I'd continue to trust God and I'd be fine. I hope that is still true. But, honestly, now that she and her loving family are part of my family I simply cannot imagine my life without her.
In less than 2 weeks I get to take a trip with Amanda. Wow-28 years ago that was inconceivable. Even 10 years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of this. But it’s a bit scary for me. Ours is a unique relationship that is truly being created as we go. There’s nothing to base it on – it is what we make it. And I try to let her hold the reigns as I still don’t feel like it’s within my rights. We’ve never spent this much one-on-one time together. She’s probably going to see things in me she hasn’t seen before. We are going to Disney World…I get a bit over the top when it comes to Disney. She knows this. But knowledge is different than experience J Then again, we’ll both be wearing tiaras so I think we’ll be fine."